Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids........

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you dumb ass'

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading thr first truth, try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now cause you are a idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6) Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

Some very funny and unPC pic's thanks to my little sis... I died laughing and will be going to hell....

Nov 7 2007 11:04 AM

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.


And how bad did Jon feel when he got the call his mom had died of a heart attack before she could finish his "letter"?

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."



This one IS for Pinkee... hehehe

LiveLeak.com - "Father of Reaganomics" Predicts Police State in 08?

LiveLeak.com - "Father of Reaganomics" Predicts Police State in 08?: "'Father of Reaganomics' Predicts Police State in 08? Paul Craig Roberts, a Republican who worked in the Reagan administration, is predicting a 9-11 type of attack before the 2008 elections. If that occurs, Bush can declare martial law and begin arresting those who disagree with his foreign policy (based on Executive Orders recently issued by the Bush Administration that grant the president these powers and more.) Wild stuff."

Bush is insane and we are blind. Open your eyes and pass the word...

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one
daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the
mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the
daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the Mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said
the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

I KNOW YOU SMILED!!!!!

Barack Obama on SNL last night!

Duluth residents appear to have another choice in the upcoming mayoral race - that is, if they're willing to vote for a 30-year-old blue felt puppet. Mr. nice...

For a state that has had a wrestler for Governor and a self proclaimed vampire running for office, I think Mr. Nice may have a chance!

Since all my friends and relatives are "weird" I guess I'll never be an uncle again! How about we neuter retired horny game show hosts also?

Bad jokes from sis...

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up
ahead
Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'
these
here beers!"

"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then
throw
the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their
beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their
foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been
drinking?"

"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

He's not undead, just unsober... | Oddly Enough | Reuters

He's not undead, just unsober... | Oddly Enough | Reuters: "Passengers on a German train mistook a Halloween reveler dressed up as a gore-covered zombie for a murder victim and called the police."

Homeland Security trumps God

Homeland Security trumps God: "Caught between immigration regulations and church rules, a British nun is forced to leave the Twin Cities as the Department of Homeland Security cracks down on religious visas."

The nun a terrorist, the nun is a terrorist, your a terrorist I'm a terrorist don't you want to be a terrorist too. The biggest terrorist in the world is George Bush... go figure!

Colbert for President! (for real) - Indecision 2008

Colbert for President! (for real) - Indecision 2008: "He has to win! He is Stephen T. Colbert in other words he is STC!!! Sexually Transmitted Courage!!!!!!"

It's about time we had someone calling the shots with a sense of humor, a working knowledge of the English language, and an accurate recollection of American history. If only we can get Colbert to take this seriously, we may stand a chance of getting this country back on its feet and moving in the right direction after 7 years of incalculable stupidity! PUT COLBERT ON THE BALLOT IN EVERY STATE!! It's a grass roots movement! It's a mission from God! It's FATE- so don't shirk your duty, Stephen! YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!!!

Does he stand a chance of getting even that one convention delegate that he wants? I don't know but it will be fun too watch!

VinylDisc hybrid plays on turntables or optical drives - Boing Boing: "German manufacturers Optimal Media Production claim that their new VinylDisc is a hybrid CD/vinyl album that will play in an optical drive or on a turntable: 'The VinylDisc is a combination audio CD and special record. It consists of two attached layers. The silver layer contains digital audio information, while the black upper layer can be played on every record player.'"

This is the best of both worlds! I can finally pull that old record player from the garage (see honey I told you there was a reason to keep it!). You can get the classic hiss and pops and flip it over to get the clear but somehow lacking digital fixed sound!

Digg - Call 202.224.6472. Ask for Retroactive Immunity for your Illegal Acts

Digg - Call 202.224.6472. Ask for Retroactive Immunity for your Illegal Acts: "Call 202.224.6472. Ask for Retroactive Immunity for your Illegal Acts That’s Senator Jay Rockefeller’s office. He’s the author of the abomination that gives telephone companies retroactive immunity for their lawbreaking warrantless surveillance program. They’ll just hang up on you, but you’ll have made your point. Be polite, even though Rockefeller is a a bought-and-paid-for shill. If you converse post in comments."

This post can be called Brothers and Sisters! While no blood relations these are members of our family. Shawn and Nikki, our best friends who happen to be dating right now... My oldest friend who is more like a sister, Michelle and me. I have known Michelle since she was three years old, so around thirty-three years! (hope she does not mind that I just gave her age away?) Michelle's husband Mark and Michelle and Carrie! Michelle and I have just reconnected after twenty some years, she has brought up alot of forgotten memories most good but a few that I had worked hard to forget. On Sunday we watched the Vikes do some bear hunting;)

Forget the bloody mary, just give me the blood | Oddly Enough | Reuters

Forget the bloody mary, just give me the blood | Oddly Enough | Reuters: "HONG KONG (Reuters) - A Hong Kong man who knocked back two vials of blood after a drinking binge has been jailed for two months, a newspaper reported Tuesday."

No, no I'm not a Vampire I was just drunk!

Death sentence for leaving 5-year-old to be eaten by gators -- OrlandoSentinel.com

Death sentence for leaving 5-year-old to be eaten by gators -- OrlandoSentinel.com: "MIAMI - A judge sentenced a man to death Monday, nearly nine years after he left a 5-year-old girl to be eaten alive by alligators in the Everglades and tried to kill her mother."

A fitting punishment/death would to leave him chained in an alligator pit... I'm not a supporter of the death sentence but their are extreme cases in which redemption does not seem possible (like this one) that a quick death would save heart ache and pain (not to mention taxpayer $$$) for all.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID) has refused to leave office, even after a judge in Minnesota left Craig's sex-sting guilty plea intact. Craig says he will fight to clear his name and retain his seat in the Senate. In Idaho, residents have mixed reactions about the drama surrounding their senator.

The crowded airport bathroom where Sen. Larry Craig was arrested is about to become an even less-inviting place for a rendezvous.

Airport officials plan to put in new stall dividers just 2 to 3 inches above the floor, instead of as much as a foot now. The new dividers will go in two bathrooms where the airport has had complaints about sex, including the one where Craig was arrested.

The one good thing of all this, is that the next time I go to the MSP airport bathroom I don't have to worry about guys with wide stances! They all will be just hanging out in the sink area now!(So much for washing my hands after going to the bathroom)

Next time a gentleman offers his hand, keep this in mind: One-third of men don't wash their hands after using the restroom.

Not only that, if he tells you he washed his hands, he may not be telling the truth.

This is revealed in results of the latest Hand Washing Survey, released Monday at a scientific meeting in Chicago by the American Society for Microbiology and the Soap and Detergent Association. The survey found that although 89% of men claim in a telephone poll to wash their hands every time they use a public bathroom, only 66% were seen doing so.