Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids........

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

********************

Mary had a little lamb.

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man,

'What have you got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you dumb ass'

********************

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************

6 truths of life:

1) You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2) All idiots, after reading thr first truth, try it.

3) The first truth is a lie.

4) You're smiling now cause you are a idiot.

5) You will soon forward this to another idiot.

6) Theres still a stupid smile on your face.

Some very funny and unPC pic's thanks to my little sis... I died laughing and will be going to hell....

Nov 7 2007 11:04 AM

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom,:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Jon


P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.


And how bad did Jon feel when he got the call his mom had died of a heart attack before she could finish his "letter"?

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."



This one IS for Pinkee... hehehe

LiveLeak.com - "Father of Reaganomics" Predicts Police State in 08?

LiveLeak.com - "Father of Reaganomics" Predicts Police State in 08?: "'Father of Reaganomics' Predicts Police State in 08? Paul Craig Roberts, a Republican who worked in the Reagan administration, is predicting a 9-11 type of attack before the 2008 elections. If that occurs, Bush can declare martial law and begin arresting those who disagree with his foreign policy (based on Executive Orders recently issued by the Bush Administration that grant the president these powers and more.) Wild stuff."

Bush is insane and we are blind. Open your eyes and pass the word...

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy
daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one
daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the
mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the
daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the Mother
told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said
the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

I KNOW YOU SMILED!!!!!